Coming Soon To Your Local Grocery Store: Jimmy Dean's Pancake-Wrapped Fetus On A Stick

I know it's Oklahoma, but come on.

Your Devolutionist drove across Oklahoma once.  It was empty and seemingly devoid of compelling reasons to exist.  Much, one imagines, like Senator Ralph Shortey's brain.

Another Republican Primary Debate

Hooray!  Let me just fill an old sock with paint fumes and I'll be all set.

In Which The Devolutionist Looks Forward to New Music

On three straight Tuesdays in February, three of your Devolutionist's favorite musicians release new albums.  It's as if someone moved Hanukkah back a few weeks:

Sharon Van Etten, Tramp (Feb. 7) - The first single off this album, "Serpents," has been floating around since November and it sounds phenomenal.  Much more raw and rockin' than anything off of Epic, perhaps reflecting the influence of Aaron Dessner of The National, who had a big hand in the production of Tramp.  Van Etten and her band played "Serpents" on Jimmy Fallon's show last week and did an awesome job.  You can see the video here.  Not only did the song sound great, but Sharon is looking smokin' hot - someone obviously told her to soften up her usual New-Jersey-dive-bar look.  She keeps it up and she may supplant the great Annie Clark atop my list of female musicians who are candidates to become Mrs. Devolutionist.

Shearwater, Animal Joy (Feb. 14) -  Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.  Yes, the Devolutionist becomes a tween girl when it comes to Shearwater (who, incidentally, will be touring with Sharon Van Etten starting in Philadelphia on February 10 and NOT, as of this writing, coming to the West Coast.  Fuckers.)  Two downloads off this album have already hit the net (here and here) and a third made NPR's 2012 Winter Music Preview.  All three songs suggest Jonathan Meiburg has decided to ditch the soft falsetto that has been his trademark in favor of a stronger sound, but the songs are still beautiful and delicate and reflect a craftsmanship that is sorely lacking in damn near every other album that gets released these days.  Seriously, Bon Iver's last album, good as it was, sounds like it was slapped together on an old four-track compared to Shearwater.  The best band working today, hands down.  A tragedy that they never seem to play festivals like Pitchfork or Coachella.  It's either the band's choice or the most egregious oversight since Jethro Tull beat out Metallica for the Grammy in Heavy Metal.  (Plus, it must be noted, bassist Kimberly Burke is also an award-winning playwright, which is an occupation close to my own heart.  Playwright, bassist in a phenomenal indie-rock band, and gorgeous: obviously another candidate to become Mrs. Devolutionist.)

Damien Jurado, Maraqopa (Feb. 21) - The trifecta of awesomeness that is February closes out with Damien Jurado, the poster boy of introspective shoe-gazing folk/rock/whatever.  Mark Kozelek without the smarmy attitude (Mark!  I still love Red House Painters and Sun Kil Moon!  Don't hate!)  The first single off this album, "Nothing is The News," is an interesting departure: sort of a mid-tempo jazz-infused jam session, with Jurado's voice hovering well in the background and occasionally not very audible over the music.  It's as if someone uncovered some lost Blind Faith demos.  Definitely not what you have heard before from Jurado, particularly on his last album, Saint Bartlett.  But I'd listen to Damien Jurado cover Yo Gabba Gabba - the guy never, ever disappoints.

A final note: I have seen all three of these bands live (and all in the L.A. space formerly known as Spaceland, come to think of it, and no, I will not call that venue by its new name.)  All do amazing live shows, particularly Shearwater (have I mentioned how much I love Shearwater?)  Hopefully all of them will come through my city in support of these albums damn soon.

On Being a Steelers Fan The Day After Being Tebowed

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In Which The Devolutionist Contemplates Re-Launching His Blog...Again

Here we are once again in a new year.  Time for all of us to make resolutions and pretend we're going to stick to them!


At the world headquarters of the Devolution, this means contemplating this blog in all of its splendor.  What to do with it? Leave it alone?  Delete it from the Intertubes?  Start a new one on WordPress or Tumblr or Rumblr or whatever platform is all popular with the kids these days?


Honestly, your Devolutionist has no faith in his ability to write something here every day, or even multiple times a day.  Problem is, he has no other outlets for his thoughts, save for the comment boards at a handful of other blogs.  Also Facebook status updates, but that is also a small audience and way less anonymous.  If I insult a relative over there, that person is going to know.


Bottom line though, is that I need clips and I need the outlet.  So I guess I'll start once again throwing my thoughts on a few things up as often as possible and see if anything sticks.

In Which the Devolutionist Receives a Fan Letter!

That's right, fan mail!  Written in response to my latest book review on Amazon, which can be found here.

Someone named Neal Warth did not agree with the review:

One candid question, Devo: do you masturbate reading your own writing? You write like a wannabe, so I'm figuring there's a heavy fantasy angle to your efforts here. Do you daydream of someday actually writing something insightful and persuasive?

You wound me, sir.  Are you saying that Andrew Breitbart is not a latter-day Andy Kaufman?  Please show the evidence in your possession that invalidates my thesis!

Also, Amazon deleted Neal's comment almost immediately.  Do you have any idea what a shithead you have to be to write something that even Amazon won't allow?

In Which The Devolutionist Writes A Book Review

First, however, let me say: so much for my non-resolution resolutions.

But yes, your Ink-Stained Wretch of a Devolutionist reviewed a book on Amazon for the first time in his life (you thought perhaps he'd written something for a professional publication?  HAHAHAHAHA!) The review is here, along with comments, and it is sublimely ridiculous.  The writing of this review came about as an exercise to overcome writer's block one afternoon, and also to excise some of my annoyance at the daily fusillade of ridiculous bullshit that assaults me whenever I scan headlines on Google News.

The Devolutionist thought it self-evident that this review was essentially absurd but that did not stop the troglodytes from popping out of the woodwork.  There are some moments where "the shit gets real," as the kids say, when your reviewer posited in a roundabout way that the author's motivation for writing this book came from some deep-seated racial angst.  It is this thesis that the troglodytes take issue with, but that is to be expected.  Your Devolutionist takes it as a given that much of the animosity towards President Obama stems from some deep-seated prejudicial attitudes towards and resentment of folks with dark skin; the history of race's influence on Americans is simply too extensive and deeply rooted in our shared history to not affect views of the country's first black president. Racial stereotypes work on us in ways we cannot even imagine.

For the record, your Devolutionist is a white guy in his mid-30s.  He has no problem with affirmative action and thinks people who whine about these things because they feel threatened should get over it already.

Anyway, give the review a read.  It's a short hop from here to the literature section of the New Yorker!

In Which The Devolutionist Decides One Trip To Tucson Was Enough For A Lifetime

This was not a good weekend in the madhouse and anger chamber that is America.  Your Devolutionist, as is his wont, spent too much time in front of his computer following the events in Tucson and the ensuing finger-pointing in the blogosphere that seems to have only slightly abated at this moment, some 79 hours after the shooting.

The Devolutionist has no desire to rehash Saturday's events here. Already millions of words have been written about it, and he's probably read most of them.  Also written a few himself, on various blogs and websites, mostly countering the right-wing assholes desperate to deny that any of their increasingly hysterical rhetoric over the last couple of years could have in any way influenced a mentally unbalanced person and reinforced his rage until he snapped. No, certainly not.

Then one reads stories like this and wonders about the freak-out America would have if fourteen decapitated bodies were dumped at a shopping center in, say, Daytona Beach, and becomes grateful all over to live in America, as sick as some of the people here may be.

Years ago your road-trippin' Devolutionist spent a weekend in Tucson, tagging along with a friend who wanted to watch his Australian pen pals perform dance routines, accompanied by a rock guitarist who played his shows while wearing a motorcycle helmet complete with dark visor, during a roller derby match (don't ask.)  Tucson was a nice town, a sleepy college burg with some cool bars and restaurants and blonde sorority girls who all looked mostly the same.  The place was supposed to usually be hot as hell during the day, but it didn't seem so bad.

Still, driving into town one night from the suburban house where we stayed, a rabbit darted out in front of the car.  The Devolutionist hit the brakes and felt a thump.  We got out and looked around and could not find the bunny, so we assumed it had survived.  Relating the story a few weeks later back in L.A., another friend suggested it probably hopped off into the bushes to die.  This seemed ominous.  And Arizona has only seemingly gotten crazier over the last few years.

So sorry, Tucson.  You are a lovely place and you will survive this.

In Which The Devolutionist Enjoys Memories of Watching Willy Wonka While Stoned

Oompa Loompa-American John Boehner is now Speaker of the House. Finally, a victory for creamsicle-colored people in their long struggle against discrimination.

Jobs for everyone are sure to soon follow, as promised.

In Which The Devolutionist Faces a New Year With His Customary Grace

Your Devolutionist does not believe in New Year's resolutions.  Why does a person need the artificial stimulation  of an essentially arbitrary division of time to accomplish tasks he has been too lazy to accomplish before?  When a person actually accomplishes these tasks, then he can pat himself on the back.

The tasks always turn out to be so important they should exist outside the framework of a social construct.  Exercising more?  Good advice in general.  Get finances in order?  Why aren't they already?  Drink less?  Never a resolution your Devolutionist could endorse.  If you drink enough that not drinking is a resolution, you might need to get to a meeting.  Stop moping over past heartbreaks?  Your mental health depends on it, so if you've been moping for six months or a year or even longer, you shouldn't need a change in the calendar to motivate you to get over it.

But (there is always a but) your lazy Devolutionist does struggle himself with certain dictates of living this long-ass life.  He quit exercising in July in order to rest a sore toe and often-stiff lower back, and after more than five months has not gone back to the gym, even though L.A. Fitness still deducts $29.99 from the old checking account every month.  So making time to work out again is high on the priority list.

Also on the list: working harder.  There have been too many mornings of lazing around drinking coffee and surfing the net instead of writing, cleaning, sending out resumes and cover letters, just to name a few unconsummated activities.  So eliminating a fair percentage of natural sloth is also on the to-do list.

Finally, this blog.  The Devolutionist has neglected it...has in fact barely touched the damn thing over the course of 2010.  For a masturbatory outlet, he prefers actual masturbation.  But the blog began with the intention of being an outlet for mental masturbation, and that is at least as important to keep the writing muscles warm and shapely as physical workouts are for the body.  So the resolution from this day going forward for the blog: write more entries even if many, many of them are utter crap.

In Which The Devolutionist Tries To Remember His Yoga Breathing Exercises

It's Election Day 2010.  A few hours ago your Devolutionist cast his ballot for the most important issue of the midterms: Prop 19, the ballot proposition that would legalize marijuana in California.  Also, there was something about a governor, a senator, state budgets getting passed by simple majority instead of two-thirds of the Assembly, blah blah blah.

The temperature hovers around ninety here in L.A. today, which matches the Devolutionist's mood: overheated and angry.  This election season has been nothing but depressing in the quality of both the candidates turned out by both parties (particularly the Republicans/Tea Partiers) and in the discourse.  Once upon a time it seemed that even if we disagreed on solutions to problems, the major parties at least agreed on the issues.  Now it feels as if we're living in two different dimensions.  The noisiest of the Republicans see an America under assault by some sort of fascist socialist who wants the government to control everything and will stop at nothing, including using union thugs from Chicago or something, to achieve a country in which everyone is a slave to the state.  The rest of us live in reality.

Unfortunately, it's the loud voices that are most audible.  And that is depressing.

Tonight there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth here in the world headquarters of the Devolution, with long breaks to watch last night's Castle.  Fantasies of Stana Katic cuffing him to a headboard may well be all that will save the Devolutionist's sanity.

In Which The Devolutionist Finds Yet One More Reason To Never Watch Network News

In reaction to this news, can we lay to rest this idea that the mainstream media has some sort of liberal bias?

The networks are so determined to pretend to be impartial, they won't take five seconds to ask if maybe the right-wing nuts they are inviting onto the airwaves are in any way going to contribute to meaningful discourse.  Thus we have CNN now employing Erick Erickson of RedState, a man who once called a sitting Supreme Court justice a "goat-fucking child molester."  In the last year the Sunday show This Week has invited both Michelle Malkin ("Interning the Japanese during WW2 was the right thing to do") and Meghan McCain to participate in panel discussions.  Meghan McCain, it should be said, got schooled on Bill Maher's show last year, and ABC invites her to sit at a table with Christiane Amanpour?  You might as well have had a lightbulb sit in Meghan's chair.  A burned-out one, as that's the only kind of bulb that would be dimmer than Meghan McCain.

But then, Breitbart has been schooled on Maher's show too. Apparently looking like a fucking ignorant moron on freewheeling HBO is now a pre-requisite to being invited to participate in political forums on ABC.  There was a time that would have been considered failing upward, but given the recent trend I'd say Bill Maher has the upper hand.

Now that I think about it, Maher was once fired from ABC for saying something controversial and wound up on HBO a couple of years later. So there you have it: liberal says something controversial on ABC and gets fired, conservative proves himself not smart enough for an HBO audience and goes to ABC instead.  Somewhere Ted Koppel is laughing into a bottle of schnapps.

In Which The Devolutionist Pitches An Exciting New Reality TV Series

Well, not exactly new.  Your Devolutionist stumbled across a blog called WingNut Comments the other day and it gave him an idea for the next season of Survivor.

Survivor: Blog Commenter!

Here's the idea: lock a dozen people in their own small room with a four-pack of Red Bull, some of that dehydrated food astronauts eat, and a dedicated DSL line.  Each person must spend a certain amount of time reading and engaging with the commenters at certain sites: Free Republic, Hot Air, Red State, WND, Newsmax,  Reason, just to name a few off the top of my head.  You could rotate it, give each person particular sites on particular days and have them engaging each other on the comment boards without knowing it.  One person could secretly be designated as the Imposter Wingnut, writing the most outlandish shit he or she can think of and trying to drive the other contestants completely nuts.

There could also be challenges like the Troll Challenge, where an individual has to play Imposter Wingnut on the comment boards of some of the more earnest liberal sites: HuffPo, DailyKos, Firedoglake.

Contestants would be eliminated as they crack and beg to be let out of their room, smash their computers, put their heads through the wall, curl up in the fetal position under their beds while crying and muttering gibberish to themselves, and so on.  Maybe we even put them on Suicide Watch and take away all belts, bedsheets, and shoelaces for a time before elimination.

Hey Mark Burnett: call me!

In Which The Devolutionist Cannot See Reason

It's no surprise to anyone who follows our always-devolving political discourse that one theme always running through libertarian/conservative thought is that of Victimhood.  All those Tea Party folk?  Victims of liberal elitists, the lamestream media, racial politics, Jon Stewart, activist judges, big government, Alinsky tactics, George Soros, illegal immigrants, puppies, kittens, what have you.

The Devolutionist will now break out the world's smallest violin and play a rousing rendition of "My Heart Pumps Purple Piss For You."

Over at Wonkette tonight a Reason reader implored your Devolutionist to read this smarmy post but replace the word "Teabagger" with the word "n*****" and then tell him if it still seemed satirical.  Apparently in Teabagland "Teabagger" is an epithet on a par with a word used to dehumanize an entire race of people for at least the last three or four hundred years.  Apparently we're supposed to respect a bunch of shouting anger bears with no coherent set of beliefs, no respect for a progressive viewpoint, really nothing but high BMI and a shitload of tricorn hats, even when they compare their struggle of the last eighteen months to the centuries-long struggle for civil rights for blacks.  Apparently, according to this guy, "dehumanization is dehumanization."

Meh.  Your Devolutionist does not need a psychology lecture.  Really, it's not about dehumanizing anyone.  He's just sick of the whining.

In Which The Devolutionist Tells Arthur Laffer Where He Can Put His Famous Curve

Your Devolutionist does not make a habit of reading the Wall Street Journal, mostly because he assumes it is written for one (admittedly large) demographic only: wealthy and selfish assholes.  Today's editorial by "economist" Arthur Laffer does nothing to dispel that impression.

Laffer is of course the man who thought up the infamous Laffer Curve, which we're not even going to try to sum up here.  Suffice to say that it has always sounded to your Devolutionist like magical thinking, and the results of the Reagan and Bush tax policies, which cited Laffer, have borne out this contention.

In his WSJ editorial Laffer rails against Bill Gates and his father, who have been pushing an initiative in Washington state to impose a 5% income tax on individuals making over $200,000 a year and couples making over $400,000 (the state currently has no income tax.)

In Which The Devolutionist Makes Reading Recommendations

The Devolutionist is not a huge fan of Matt Taibbi.  He's got passion, but sometimes he does not seem to have a clear handle of his subjects (his writing on the Wall Street bailouts, for example, came off, in the Devolutionist's opinion, like a college paper written by someone who had given up understanding his research even as he continued to cite sources.)  He should stick to writing articles like this one.  It doesn't break any new ground, but it does put insightful context around the Tea Party:

Tea & Crackers

As a complement, this article from the Village Voice works nicely.  VV writers have a habit of not pulling punches, so it's refreshing to read a piece in which the author begs people to "stop believing a word this pus-bucket, Breitbart, utters."  The Devolutionist has the same thought every time he sees Andrew Breitbart in any forum:

White America Has Lost Its Mind

One wonders if the media coverage of the Tea Party and "humans" like Breitbart and Palin and their ilk has less to do with their importance and more to do with that same urge that causes people to rubberneck at accidents on the freeway.  It's as if the media is collectively saying "What a fucking mess, are you kidding me?"  It's a theory, anyway.

In Which The Devolutionist Throws Up In His Mouth A Little

When oh when will this douche noodle's fifteen minutes be up?

Levi Johnston Makes Gross Porn Video With Some Old Lady

In Which The Devolutionist Swelters And Gives His Opponent Ninety Seconds To Sweat In Response

The temperature in Los Angeles hit 113 on Monday, the highest temperature ever recorded here since the city started recording temperatures in 1877.  Your Slow-Roasted Devolutionist does not have air-conditioning in his 1920s-era apartment, and so he has spent much of the last two days in the library and a variety of Starbucks. Even though the apartment does not get much in the way of direct sunlight and is only on the second floor, it still felt like a blast furnace the last three days.

Some would say that Los Angeles is already hell and the temperature finally caught up, but your Devolutionist is not one of those people. This city may be far from perfect, but it has its charms.  And the Bare-Ankled Devolutionist appreciates any place where he can go for months at a time without putting on a pair of socks.

Now the state of California has its problems, and tonight Jerry Brown and Meg "The Forehead" Whitman will debate for the right to spend the next three years trying to fix those problems.  The Forehead has already spent something like $119 million on her campaign.  Why she could not just donate that money to some sort of charity that might help people who need the help now, instead of on a vanity gubernatorial campaign, is beyond the Devolutionist's understanding.

Not that it will matter if we are all doomed, and it is possible the damage California has done to its economy and tax base and general mindset is irreversible.  But someone still had to command the Titanic even after it hit the iceberg.

In Which The Devolutionist Is Happy His Lack Of A TV Prevents Him From Watching Bill Maher

Oh, your Devolutionist used to enjoy Bill Maher.  He was smarmy and brooked no bullshit.  The man once went into his audience to physically throw some 9/11 Truthers out of the studio before security could do it.  So it's a little disconcerting that he brings on guests like Andrew Breitbart, who spouts more nonsense in thirty seconds than CNN's entire anchor line-up spouts in a year.  And CNN has Rick Sanchez.

Anyway, your Socially-Networked Devolutionist was reading some quotes from Maher's latest show on Facebook and he saw where Breitbart is pushing the right-wing meme that made its way into the GOP's Pledge to America: conservatives were shut out of the healthcare debate, the congressional town halls were dominated by leftist union members, and so the entire bill must be repealed, and we need to start over with an open and honest debate about the whole issue.

Now, Andrew Breitbart might actually know this is bullshit, but his shtick requires him to pretend otherwise, nay, to shout otherwise as loudly as he can.  But the Devolutionist paid attention to that debate, and he remembers things a little differently.  To wit:

In Which The Devolutionist Makes a Point So Obvious Even Greg Gutfeld Could Grasp It If He Was Not Such a Blithering Jackass

Fox douche noodle Greg Gutfeld has a post that would insult the intelligence of Fox News website readers if your average Fox fan had the intellectual curiosity of even your average house plant.


Sometimes Ye Olde Devolutionist wonders how people much more passionate than he can spend all day every day correcting the record on this sort of lazily-written crap.  Gutfeld parses the number of Americans without health insurance and finds that nearly 20% make between $50,000 - $75,000 per year, and another 20% (give or take) makes above 75K per year.  Thus his conclusion: "So while we've been constantly told that people cannot afford insurance, these numbers say otherwise."